Didn't work, either.
Because apparently I'm a freak of nature. And apparently my doctor has a hard time telling me the honest truth. And that irks me off.
I went for my first stimming ultrasound on September 19th. And my doctor told me everything looked textbook, and that I had a hole lot of maturing follicles. She also told me that this initial ultrasound looked much better than my first one during the cycle in June.
She said I wasn't ready for retrieval yet, and had me come back on Wednesday, September 21st. This ultrasound wasn't as good. She said there hadn't been much change since Monday. She wanted me to come back the next day for another ultrasound, hoping for some measurable growth. Sick of driving back and forth, I made a hotel reservation for the following night, and lesson plans for Thursday and Friday, because I was expecting to have to go to another ultrasound that day for a retrieval on Sunday, according to my doctor.
Unfortunately, after Wednesday, I was feeling pretty hopeless. I was bawling as I called Ry after the appointment, because this is exactly what had happened in June.
I drove back home Wednesday evening, making the latest appointment I could so I wouldn't have to leave at 4:30 in the morning, I could leave at 6 instead, which is much more manageable. I felt better on Thursday than I had in two weeks. So I knew things weren't good.
I got to Salt Lake on Thursday morning expecting the worse, and that's what I got. There was no measurable growth again, so my doctor decided to check my estrogen level, hoping that it was close to 1000 and we were about ready to make some sort of hormonal breakthrough. While in the ultrasound, I asked the doctor if there was any point in trying another round of IVF. She said there probably no point as I was on a pretty dramatic dose of stimulating meds and there wasn't much of a change in my ultrasounds, but she wanted to do some blood work to check.
After leaving the clinic, I called Ryan again, crying even harder, because even without the blood results, I knew it was over. I don't know if I'm upset that we spend this horrendous amount of money on something that didn't work AGAIN, or if I'm upset that I'm not going to be pregnant right now...or ever. I went to downtown Salt Lake to Barnes and Noble and spent a few hours there waiting for the phone call about my blood work. I drove up to Park City to wander around the outlet mall for a little bit. While there, I got the phone call saying that my estrogen level was at 197. While that was 20 times (literally) better than my estrogen level at the same time in June, it was still 800 points lower than it need to be. It was official, it was over. I was told I could come back for an ultrasound on Friday just to check, but I refused. There was no reason to continue torturing myself.
So I drove the remaining two hours home, crying all the way, mourning the loss of an opportunity to become a parent.
Now the question is "where do we go from here?"
And the answer is that we really don't know. We have a post-cycle phone conference with my doctor on Monday after school. And honestly, she's going to hear it. I want the WHOLE truth. I want to know if there's any way to remedy this low estrogen level. We want to know if there's alternate medications we can try, etc. If we're not satisfied with the answers, I think we're going to move our money somewhere else. Hopefully she'll be able to give us some other solutions to the issues we've face through both of our IVF cycles, and we'll try it again. I don't want to miss any more school, so I'm hoping that the busy weeks can be over my Christmas vacation. If it can't we're going to have to wait until next summer again. My students deserve to have me, not a substitute.
So that's where we are. Ryan wants to continue with infertility treatments, and to tell you the truth, I'm not a huge fan. I don't want him to resent me for not trying all the times we could have, though, so I'll continue.
Please pray for us as we struggle through the decision-making process.
*HUGS* Continued prayers for you guys!! I'd give your Doctor hell. I really hope she hasn't been giving you the run around because that is so not fair! I pray that God leads you in your decision on what to do next.
ReplyDeleteProbably not what you want but I know I have friends who have spent over 20,000 to have a baby and have miscarried and had a stillbirth and now are trying to get into foster parenting and adoption. It's not what they wanted but they really do want to be parents. There are a lot of kids who need awesome parents! (There is also a lot of people who go through adoption and get pregnant at the same time)
Love you and hope that you can relax this weekend and give your doctor an earful on Monday! Keep your head up!!
:( I vote looking into adoption. Also costly, but you are more likely have a happy ending with a baby/child (or children) in your arms. SO many people adopt these days. You will give a child a chance to have a really great life. One they might not otherwise get to have. Things happen for a reason. The trick is figuring out the reason:) It will work out in the end...if you believe it!
ReplyDeleteSince I know someone else going through this and I have heard her say she's sick of people who can have children giving her advice, I won't give you any. I'll just say that I'm sorry. Whatever path you and Ryan choose is the path that will ultimately end up being best for you, and I'm pretty sure you know that. It never seems makes sense when people who truly have nurturing mothering hearts have so much trouble, but there has to be a reason.
ReplyDeleteGood luck guys. My heart goes out to you. And it really gives me joy to think of all the "mothering" you are giving to your little ones at school. You are doing such a great job being selfless during all this and realizing that while your dreams aren't working out as planned, you are still needed as a teacher. I remember there are some teachers in my life that ended up being a huge influence on me and ended up giving me a kind of love and nurturing I really needed at different points in my life. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job balancing your responsibilities, heart break, emotions, and anger.