It's so weird that 2010 is almost over, and 2011 is nearly here. A little less than 8 hours left here. I can't say that I'm all that sorry to see it go. It's sucked. This has been one of the worst years I can remember.
Ryan and I have struggled this year. I think that things are on the upswing, so that's good, but its been a difficult year for us.
I lost my only remaining grandparent in April. I can't say that Grandma's passing was unexpected, because when I saw her over the holidays in 2009, she wasn't as spry as she usually had been. Staying here in Wyoming for the holidays this year, I've felt her absence even more acutely, I guess. I just miss my family.
It's been an interesting year at work, too. I feel like I'm not doing my best this year...I feel like there's so many demands behind the scenes that I'm not able to do the REAL work growing my kiddos. I feel like I'm not being fair to them. And they deserve the best.
Sometimes I feel gypped when it comes to the baby stuff. I swear that everyone I know is in the family way. And no one else struggles. I know that's not true. I feel like God has overlooked us. I know that's not true, and I know that He's not punishing us, but I wonder what the lesson is here. I think we'd be wonderful parents.
So, anyway, I'm hoping that 2011 will bring good things. 2010 wasn't a total wash, and maybe I'm a bit of a pessimist. It can only get better.
A happy, warm, blessed 2011 to you, dear friends...
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thankfulness
Ryan and I had a quiet Thanksgiving here by ourselves. I miss my family. I miss his family.
Aside from my whining, I have much to be thankful for. I'm relatively healthy, and when I'm not, there's fairly quality healthcare nearby. I am thankful for our families, even though we don't see them much, it's nice to know that they love us and we love them and if we need anything, they're there, even from afar. I'm thankful that we have jobs that pay so well, and that we're both relatively content with said jobs.
I'm thankful we have food for our tummies (more than enough, obviously), vehicles that get us from point A to point B reliably, and money enough to have fun once in a while.
I'm thankful for my husband. He's amazing. Affectionate. He takes care of me and loves me as I am, yet pushes me to be the best person I can be.
I'm thankful for my kitties. They keep me sane.
I'm thankful for this little outlet where I can write out what's going on in my head and my heart.
And I'm thankful for friends who care enough to read.
I hope that every day is Thanksgiving in your hearts, dear friends. We have so many blessings...
Aside from my whining, I have much to be thankful for. I'm relatively healthy, and when I'm not, there's fairly quality healthcare nearby. I am thankful for our families, even though we don't see them much, it's nice to know that they love us and we love them and if we need anything, they're there, even from afar. I'm thankful that we have jobs that pay so well, and that we're both relatively content with said jobs.
I'm thankful we have food for our tummies (more than enough, obviously), vehicles that get us from point A to point B reliably, and money enough to have fun once in a while.
I'm thankful for my husband. He's amazing. Affectionate. He takes care of me and loves me as I am, yet pushes me to be the best person I can be.
I'm thankful for my kitties. They keep me sane.
I'm thankful for this little outlet where I can write out what's going on in my head and my heart.
And I'm thankful for friends who care enough to read.
I hope that every day is Thanksgiving in your hearts, dear friends. We have so many blessings...
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Developments
Our doctor appointment in September led to some developments.
In September, Dr. Keye sat down with us and went over our charts and chatted. We talked about what our goals were for building our family, and any questions and concerns we had. I also had an ultrasound, which helped him to make a concrete diagnosis of poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. He also saw that my ovaries had plenty of eggs, so that wasn't an issue.
My main concerns were regarding my health and a pregnancy. With my diabetes being out of control, and my more recent diagnosis of high blood pressure, I have more than enough reason to be concerned. Dr. Keye ordered some tests, and when we saw him last week to revisit, we got our results.
Ryan's semen analysis results came back great. My doctor here in Rock Springs said that his spermies were mediocre. But this test from the University of Utah showed good counts and motility. The only issue that came up was that some of the sperm might have issues penetrating an egg, but because of the overall sperm count, Dr. Keye didn't really think it would matter.
On October 7th I went back to Salt Lake with my good friend Elise for my HSG. During an HSG, the doctor injects dye into a woman's uterus and takes a real-time x-ray as the dye moves through the uterus, into the Fallopian tubes, and out into the body cavity. That test showed that my Fallopian tubes are open and clear, and my uterus is shaped normally. It was neat to see. It's hard to believe that those tubes are only about the thickness of a hair or two. God certainly has to have His hand involved to knit a little one together. There is nothing chance about a baby.
During our first appointment, I also had some blood work. The bad news: My HgA1C (long term diabetes score) was at 7.1%. It's not horrible, but the last time I had it checked, I was at 6%, which is what a non-diabetic person would have. Dr. Keye says he wants it under 7% before we continue. The good news: All my other, more "girly" hormone levels were normal.
So...the game plan: IVF. Dr. Keye said that we've done all the lesser procedures that we can do. If we were going to get pregnant by ourselves, we would have, and if an IUI was going to work, it would have. It makes sense. And it's silly to keep wasting our money on things that are not going to work.
First, though, I need to get my health under control. So I'm going back to see my diabetes doctor, Dr. Chamberlain, and the University tomorrow, and hopefully we can get me back on track. We're planning to go back in January or February to star the IVF procedure.
In September, Dr. Keye sat down with us and went over our charts and chatted. We talked about what our goals were for building our family, and any questions and concerns we had. I also had an ultrasound, which helped him to make a concrete diagnosis of poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. He also saw that my ovaries had plenty of eggs, so that wasn't an issue.
My main concerns were regarding my health and a pregnancy. With my diabetes being out of control, and my more recent diagnosis of high blood pressure, I have more than enough reason to be concerned. Dr. Keye ordered some tests, and when we saw him last week to revisit, we got our results.
Ryan's semen analysis results came back great. My doctor here in Rock Springs said that his spermies were mediocre. But this test from the University of Utah showed good counts and motility. The only issue that came up was that some of the sperm might have issues penetrating an egg, but because of the overall sperm count, Dr. Keye didn't really think it would matter.
On October 7th I went back to Salt Lake with my good friend Elise for my HSG. During an HSG, the doctor injects dye into a woman's uterus and takes a real-time x-ray as the dye moves through the uterus, into the Fallopian tubes, and out into the body cavity. That test showed that my Fallopian tubes are open and clear, and my uterus is shaped normally. It was neat to see. It's hard to believe that those tubes are only about the thickness of a hair or two. God certainly has to have His hand involved to knit a little one together. There is nothing chance about a baby.
During our first appointment, I also had some blood work. The bad news: My HgA1C (long term diabetes score) was at 7.1%. It's not horrible, but the last time I had it checked, I was at 6%, which is what a non-diabetic person would have. Dr. Keye says he wants it under 7% before we continue. The good news: All my other, more "girly" hormone levels were normal.
So...the game plan: IVF. Dr. Keye said that we've done all the lesser procedures that we can do. If we were going to get pregnant by ourselves, we would have, and if an IUI was going to work, it would have. It makes sense. And it's silly to keep wasting our money on things that are not going to work.
First, though, I need to get my health under control. So I'm going back to see my diabetes doctor, Dr. Chamberlain, and the University tomorrow, and hopefully we can get me back on track. We're planning to go back in January or February to star the IVF procedure.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Not Here
Ryan and I got home from Minnesota a month ago. We had a blast. I tried to upload a bunch of pictures and blog when we got back, but I think my computer crashed in the middle of it. Wonderful.
Taevah and Puddles at the fair.
Ryan and 'Lea at our bonfire.
Mia and Puddles on the big slide.
Mia and Tye on the strawberry "swirl" at the fair.
A small smattering of Soul Sisters.
Aerial lift bridge in Duluth, Minnesota.
We got to see the tall ships in Duluth, too. They were so neat!
Some lucky fools actually got to go on a cruise out on the lake.
Ry even likes them. Was there ever any doubt?
One of the huge freighters coming into the harbor.
A very low Gooseberry Falls.
This is the point we decided we needed to come home to Wyoming.
I love this picture. Still at Gooseberry Falls.
Ryan on the steps of his high school. It's amazing.
At the Hull Rust mine in Hibbing.
One of the smaller ore dump trucks.
We purchased a GPS unit while we were in Minnesota and started geocaching. It's so much fun!
This is like the on-water "trailer hood." We went to visit Ryan's brother Brent in Cedar Rapids, Iowa and took a trip down to where all the houseboats and fancy-hicked up pontoons are at on the Cedar River.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Enough of the vacation, and on to the infertility journey. While we were on vacation, we were supposed to be trying with medication.
Unfortunately, I managed to get into some poison something-or-other on vacation, and really, who wants to be intimate when you're smathered in steroid cream, hopped up on benadryl, and generally miserable? Neither of us.
During the trip, we also had lots of conversation about what we want to do fertility-wise. We decided to make an appointment at the University of Utah Center for Reproductive Medicine. We go to that, tomorrow.
Meanwhile, I started my cycle. I called my clinic to start my meds, hoping that we could try by ourselves for this month before we went to Utah. The day I made the appointment for Utah, I went and requested my records for our clinic here to be sent. A few days later, I got my cycle, called our clinic here for meds, and waited. My doctor's #?*!$-ass nurse called and said that since we had our records sent to the U, we were currently under their care and my doctor wasn't going to prescribe my meds.
I was so angry. It was pure spite. Pure, genuine, authentic spite. I figure we've spent enough money there to already have done at least once cycle of IVF. And we have had absolutely no results. And this spitefulness. It's not the second time its happened here. And then, on top of that, one of my students' parents works at the clinic. One of my colleagues recently had a procedure done, and needless to say, people were asking her about it. And she didn't tell anyone. The only person who knew was this parent. It's not right. I don't want people asking me questions. We've also decided that if we do get pregnant, we are not going to do our prenatal care here. We are driving to the next town over for care and delivery. I, personally, have also decided that I will not do my preventative care here, either. I will be driving to next-town-over for that care, too. I want good care. Not half-assed care. I'm tired of it. So I'll spend my money somewhere.
Anyway, I'm really excited about tomorrow. I feel like we're going somewhere that can do something for us. That can help us become a family of more than two.
Hopefully I'll be up to updating tomorrow.
Friday, July 23, 2010
A Long, Arduous Journey
And I mean that in two ways.
First, Ryan and I are leaving for Minnesota tonight when he gets home. Ry hasn't been home for three years, so I'm really excited for him to set foot on our native land.
The second is our infertility journey. I'm kind of changing the direction of this blog. I want to focus more on our quest to become parents. I haven't been very forthcoming on what we're doing in that area, and I guess I just want to share with my readers our thought processes as we go along.
We've been attempting to have a baby for approximately a year now. I started my first round of Clomid when I returned from Minnesota last year, and that was the first part of August, 2009. We attempted that first month with just the drugs and timed intercourse.
That month = fail.
During the consequent month of treatment, my doctor noticed on ultrasound that my uterine lining was honeycombed instead of a normal, smooth endometrium. I had a D and C at the end of September. The biopsy came back benign, which was very welcome news.
Unfortunately, my doctor left for his native Egypt right after my surgery, and was detained until the end of November. I didn't have my post-operative appointment until then, and by the time we started the next round of Clomid, I was ready to leave for Minnesota. So December was a bust.
January, we took it to a new level. We had our first assisted reproductive procedure, an intrauterine insemination (IUI). Ryan had done a semen analysis in September, and it showed that his sperm counts were a little below average, as were his motility and such. Our doctor told us that we would probably never be able to conceive naturally by ourselves due to my anovulation and his sperm issues. So...the IUIs.
Since January, we've had four IUIs. This last one, at the beginning of the month, was done using a different drug to stimulate ovulation. Where we'd been using Clomid, this time we used Femara, which is supposed to be easier on your body than the Clomid is. I produced at least one good follicle this time, and we had our IUI done on July 7th. I have gotten two negative pregnancy tests, so I'm assuming that we're not pregnant this month, but chicky time has not shown up yet. I think she's on her way. Blah.
Do you want to know how an IUI entails? It sucks. About an hour before my appointment, my poor husband has to go into a room and donate his "sample" into a cup. The lab at the doctor's office spins his semen to get rid of the more unhealthy sperm. When its my turn, the doctor inserts a very large speculum and cleans my cervix using those ginormous q-tips. Then a catheter of sorts is inserted into my uterus. The doctor uses a syringe to push Ryan's washed sperm into my uterus, and then he injects saline into the catheter to get as many sperm in there as possible. After all that funness is done, I am tilted back with my head down for fifteen excruciating minutes. The speculum and catheter are left in for that time, and although my feet are removed from the stirrups, I experience absolutely atrocious cramping during those fifteen minutes, sometimes getting nauseated. When the doctor comes in to remove the equipment, everything isn't as "slick" as it used to be, so its usually a little painful, and I experience some bleeding for the next few days.
I usually haven't ovulated at the time of the IUI, so I also have to have three shots to help me do that.
I guess what I'm saying is that its not fun. I hate it. The hormones make me even crazier. And then there's the disappointment every month when chicky time shows up. And it shows up every time.
Ryan and I have made a decision, however. Our doctor has until July 1st of next year to get us pregnant. Not even this doctor. If I'm not pregnant this time, we're going to do a few procedures to make sure my Fallopian tubes are clear, and do a few more IUI's here. If those don't produce a baby for us, we might do a cycle or two of IVF. If nothing then, we pursue adoption.
I have to say, however, that I wouldn't want to do this without Ryan. One of the women whose infertility blogs I read regularly says that she's going to be a mother with or without her husband. I couldn't even consider that. Our marriage is so much more important than being parents. Don't get me wrong...I would love to be a mom. But I don't want to be a mom without my husband being a dad to our kids.
First, Ryan and I are leaving for Minnesota tonight when he gets home. Ry hasn't been home for three years, so I'm really excited for him to set foot on our native land.
The second is our infertility journey. I'm kind of changing the direction of this blog. I want to focus more on our quest to become parents. I haven't been very forthcoming on what we're doing in that area, and I guess I just want to share with my readers our thought processes as we go along.
We've been attempting to have a baby for approximately a year now. I started my first round of Clomid when I returned from Minnesota last year, and that was the first part of August, 2009. We attempted that first month with just the drugs and timed intercourse.
That month = fail.
During the consequent month of treatment, my doctor noticed on ultrasound that my uterine lining was honeycombed instead of a normal, smooth endometrium. I had a D and C at the end of September. The biopsy came back benign, which was very welcome news.
Unfortunately, my doctor left for his native Egypt right after my surgery, and was detained until the end of November. I didn't have my post-operative appointment until then, and by the time we started the next round of Clomid, I was ready to leave for Minnesota. So December was a bust.
January, we took it to a new level. We had our first assisted reproductive procedure, an intrauterine insemination (IUI). Ryan had done a semen analysis in September, and it showed that his sperm counts were a little below average, as were his motility and such. Our doctor told us that we would probably never be able to conceive naturally by ourselves due to my anovulation and his sperm issues. So...the IUIs.
Since January, we've had four IUIs. This last one, at the beginning of the month, was done using a different drug to stimulate ovulation. Where we'd been using Clomid, this time we used Femara, which is supposed to be easier on your body than the Clomid is. I produced at least one good follicle this time, and we had our IUI done on July 7th. I have gotten two negative pregnancy tests, so I'm assuming that we're not pregnant this month, but chicky time has not shown up yet. I think she's on her way. Blah.
Do you want to know how an IUI entails? It sucks. About an hour before my appointment, my poor husband has to go into a room and donate his "sample" into a cup. The lab at the doctor's office spins his semen to get rid of the more unhealthy sperm. When its my turn, the doctor inserts a very large speculum and cleans my cervix using those ginormous q-tips. Then a catheter of sorts is inserted into my uterus. The doctor uses a syringe to push Ryan's washed sperm into my uterus, and then he injects saline into the catheter to get as many sperm in there as possible. After all that funness is done, I am tilted back with my head down for fifteen excruciating minutes. The speculum and catheter are left in for that time, and although my feet are removed from the stirrups, I experience absolutely atrocious cramping during those fifteen minutes, sometimes getting nauseated. When the doctor comes in to remove the equipment, everything isn't as "slick" as it used to be, so its usually a little painful, and I experience some bleeding for the next few days.
I usually haven't ovulated at the time of the IUI, so I also have to have three shots to help me do that.
I guess what I'm saying is that its not fun. I hate it. The hormones make me even crazier. And then there's the disappointment every month when chicky time shows up. And it shows up every time.
Ryan and I have made a decision, however. Our doctor has until July 1st of next year to get us pregnant. Not even this doctor. If I'm not pregnant this time, we're going to do a few procedures to make sure my Fallopian tubes are clear, and do a few more IUI's here. If those don't produce a baby for us, we might do a cycle or two of IVF. If nothing then, we pursue adoption.
I have to say, however, that I wouldn't want to do this without Ryan. One of the women whose infertility blogs I read regularly says that she's going to be a mother with or without her husband. I couldn't even consider that. Our marriage is so much more important than being parents. Don't get me wrong...I would love to be a mom. But I don't want to be a mom without my husband being a dad to our kids.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
I Really Need to be Better at This...
Hi.
So. It's been awhile. Life has been mundanely busy. Does that make sense?
My Christmas in Minnesota was nice. Short, but nice. It seems like we are only going to get a short time there this summer, and that kind of stinks. Ryan's family is coming out to Breckenridge, Colorado, and renting a condo for a week. Ryan couldn't get that week off, but he has the last week in July off and the first week in August. We're planning a trip to Minnesota together during that time. We'll be celebrating my grandma's 90th birthday and visiting Ryan's mom in northern Minnesota as well.
Work has been busy. The beginning of this month I spent three days here in town going to a reading conference. It was very enlightening, and I'm hoping that we can get the tools we learned about into teachers' hands really soon. We've been testing like crazy, and teaching like crazy. My kids are growing a bunch, and its so fun to see. We're working on doing animal research reports, and the kids are LOVING it. Our technology teacher is teaching the kids how to use PowerPoint. My kiddos are loving that, too. So much fun. My students met their points goal for good behavior during the week, so we had some time outside on Friday because it was SO nice out. Some of my boys went up on the hill to play football together, and most of the rest of my students played tag together. Then we had Hawaiian punch. I had a blast, and they liked it too. :)
On the health front, things are not going well. My doctor doesn't think that my medication to induce ovulation worked this month, so we probably won't get to do the IUI this month. On top of that, I got a high blood pressure reading. I guess I hadn't been paying attention, but the past few times I've been to the doctor, it's been high. So he told me that if it didn't come down by the next time I came in (that's this coming Monday), that wew'd have to do some medication.
Needless to say, I'm going to be on that medication, too. I bought a home blood pressure thingy, and it's been high every reading. And that's not good.
I'm terrified. As much as I want to have a baby, I don't want to have a baby and then drop dead, you know? So Monday, we're going to have a talk with the doctor.
Anyway, that's all from here anyway. How are you?
So. It's been awhile. Life has been mundanely busy. Does that make sense?
My Christmas in Minnesota was nice. Short, but nice. It seems like we are only going to get a short time there this summer, and that kind of stinks. Ryan's family is coming out to Breckenridge, Colorado, and renting a condo for a week. Ryan couldn't get that week off, but he has the last week in July off and the first week in August. We're planning a trip to Minnesota together during that time. We'll be celebrating my grandma's 90th birthday and visiting Ryan's mom in northern Minnesota as well.
Work has been busy. The beginning of this month I spent three days here in town going to a reading conference. It was very enlightening, and I'm hoping that we can get the tools we learned about into teachers' hands really soon. We've been testing like crazy, and teaching like crazy. My kids are growing a bunch, and its so fun to see. We're working on doing animal research reports, and the kids are LOVING it. Our technology teacher is teaching the kids how to use PowerPoint. My kiddos are loving that, too. So much fun. My students met their points goal for good behavior during the week, so we had some time outside on Friday because it was SO nice out. Some of my boys went up on the hill to play football together, and most of the rest of my students played tag together. Then we had Hawaiian punch. I had a blast, and they liked it too. :)
On the health front, things are not going well. My doctor doesn't think that my medication to induce ovulation worked this month, so we probably won't get to do the IUI this month. On top of that, I got a high blood pressure reading. I guess I hadn't been paying attention, but the past few times I've been to the doctor, it's been high. So he told me that if it didn't come down by the next time I came in (that's this coming Monday), that wew'd have to do some medication.
Needless to say, I'm going to be on that medication, too. I bought a home blood pressure thingy, and it's been high every reading. And that's not good.
I'm terrified. As much as I want to have a baby, I don't want to have a baby and then drop dead, you know? So Monday, we're going to have a talk with the doctor.
Anyway, that's all from here anyway. How are you?
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