The Limbo Funk

It's 10:15 pm, and I should be in bed.  I'm up, though, tired, but up.  I came home from my dental appointment this afternoon and slept for an hour before supper so I could actually feel my mouth and not choke to death.

I'm in kind of a baby funk.  I don't want to hear any more about anyone's pregnancy or children.  Our own quest for those things seems overwhelmingly futile.

I've been talking with an adoption coordinator from Bethany Christian Services.  She's been very supportive, but she said that it would probably be a wait of at least two years for a baby.  Wyoming Children's Society, whom we've also researched, says that their average wait time is 12 to 24 months.  *sigh*.  I can't imagine being 34 and just starting my parenting journey.

Ryan and I also have a phone consult on October 4 with Dr. William Schoolcraft from the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine in Denver.  He is a world-renowned fertility specialist.  He has credentials in two areas that we are interested in.  He specializes in treating women who are poor responders to ovary-stimulating medications.  That would totally be me.  He also specializes in a relatively new treatment option called in-vitro maturation.  The process before embryo transfer is the difference between in-vitro fertilization and in-vitro maturation.  In-vitro maturation utilizes no injectable medications and is much more inexpensive than in-vitro.  The patient takes oral medications, and immature eggs are retrieved from her ovaries, and mature outside her body in a petri dish, and are then fertilized and the resulting embryos are transferred. 

We don't know if this is going to be an option for us or not, and we won't know until we consult with Dr. Schoolcraft.  I hope he can give us more of a concrete path to follow.  If he says he can't help us, that will be a definitive answer, and we are done pursuing the medical route.  We won't prevent pregnancy, by any means.  But it is what it is.

My friend Sara adopted from a foster care situation, and gave me the name and number of our local caseworker.  I contacted her and hope to meet with her before she goes on maternity leave.  I missed her return phone call tonight because I was sitting in the dentist's chair.

Anyway, that's where we are.  We're in limbo.  We don't know which way we're going, and tonight, waiting to be completely exhausted, I don't seem to know which way is up.  I'm in a funk about the whole thing, and I wonder if I can even be a good mom sometimes.

Okay.  I'm done now.