The Drawer

I have a drawer in my bathroom.

Its the one on the left, all the way on the bottom.

I don't open that drawer very often.  Sometimes I might need some nail polish remover or rubbing alcohol in there.

But that drawer...its my "forget and move drawer."  And today I'm going to add some more to it.

That drawer is filled with needles and alcohol swabs from failed in-vitro cycles.  And today, I'm going to add some more needles and alcohol swabs to the drawer.

Because IVF cycle three was a bust, too.  We made more progress than we have the other two cycles, so it wasn't a complete failure.  We learned more about how I respond to medications, and how much medication I need.

After my surgery on Memorial Day weekend, I started Lupron, which suppresses my ovaries.  I went to Salt Lake on June 7th for my suppression ultrasound, which went well, and then the next Monday I started Follistim and Repronex to start stimulating my ovaries.  I had blood work that Thursday to test my estrogen level, which came back at 120.  On day 4 of stimulation, the estrogen level should be between 100-200, so it was a little lower than we'd like, but still within range.

Dr. Peterson (you can read about him here: Dr. C. M. Peterson) wanted us to have an ultrasound so that he could see how my follicles were developing on Saturday, which was a couple of days earlier than we had expected, as I had an ultrasound appointment on Monday.  Dr. Peterson wasn't on call, so Dr. Hammoud did our ultrasound and found several follicles developing appropriately.  He even told us that our follicle growth looked GOOD, and we were exactly where we needed to be.  I had an estrogen level drawn on Saturday, too, and we went out to lunch while we waited for those results to come back. Dr. Hammoud had told us that he wanted my estrogen level to be around 500, and just as we were walking out of the restaurant, our nurse Heidi sent us a message saying it was 488.  We were so excited. 

Monday morning I drove down to Salt Lake again, and Dr. Peterson did my ultrasound.  He said my follicles were still growing perfectly, and that we were going to stimulate a couple more days, until Wednesday, and then trigger so we could retrieve and fertilize on Friday, and transfer the following Wednesday.  On my way out of the office, I had my estrogen level checked again, and went on my merry way.  I was on top of one of the bigger hills on my way home when Dr. Peterson himself called to tell me that my estrogen level had fallen to 425.  He said that we could try to increase the amount of Repronex and retest my estrogen level the next day, but that it would have to triple to make for viable eggs.  He said there was maybe a 25% chance that we would be able to get to the retrieval stage, but even then, we would have a hard time actually getting pregnant with the eggs that we would probably retrieve.  He left it up to Ryan and I what we wanted to do.  We decided to cancel the cycle.

A couple of days past that decision, I don't know that I would have done that.  I think we should have given my body EVERY chance we could to do what it was supposed do.

Anyway, needless to say, I was very upset.  I cried the entire way home.  And then when I was at home, I cried and cried until I fell asleep and Ryan finally came home, and by then I was pretty cried out.  We were able to talk about where we wanted to go from here.  We talked about continuing to try the IVF, and also about adopting.  Ry told me he was willing to start doing some research about adoption agencies and processes, so I'll be doing that this week.

But...since we have all this money invested, and our insurance covered 80% of the cost of our meds this time (and now that I've met the deductible for prescriptions for the year, everything is free...and its only June...lol), and we trust Dr. Peterson, we're thinking we're going to try IVF one more time, in the hopes that we get to the retrieval stage.  That's our goal, not even pregnancy at this point, but egg retrieval.

As I posted on Facebook, Dr. Peterson called me last night at 10:30 to tell us why he thinks we haven't been successful (my diabetes), and that he and the rest of the providers at the Utah Center for Reproductive Medicine are meeting on our case tomorrow, and that he will be typing up our options and putting them in the mail for us by the end of June.  He said he's as eager to get after this as we are.

So we're going to try one more time, at least.  We have to wait a while.  I'm on norethindrone to calm my ovaries and induce my cycle (it's working already.  I don't feel nearly as "full" as I did just yesterday).   After I have my cycle, I have to wait another entire cycle after that to start another IVF cycle.  That puts us into probably August or September again, after school has started.   Dr. Peterson says that he's comfortable with me doing most of my ultrasounds and blood work here in town so I won't have to drive back and forth and miss so much work.  He gets it. 

While we do that, we'll probably gather some more information on adopting and adoption agencies, and maybe apply for a homestudy.  I don't think I can take another disappointment.  I'm scared.  And hurt.  And disappointed.  And I don't want to have a whole drawer I can't close because it's so full of needles.

I've been talking to God more this cycle than any other, and there are some things that have jumped out to me in scripture that have comforted me and helped me be less bitter and afraid. 

One scripture is from Hebrews 13:5.  It says, "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.'"

I found this on Facebook today, and it was something I needed desperately to hear.  I live my life based on "what ifs" and being terrified of what's around the next corner.  I don't want to do that any more.  And, as always, we ask that you continue to pray for guidance and directions for our physicians and for ourselves as we move along on our journey to become a bigger family.